Free Headspace: Chew, chew, chew

I have always known what I do not want. I don't want to make mistakes, I don't want to hurt or be hurt, I don't want to do the wrong thing, I don't want that ugly car... I don't, I don't, I don't. Tonight someone challenged me to decide what I DO want. I was taken aback. I had thought I knew everything about myself (well, not really, but you know). But then I realized, I really don't know what I want. I've spent so much time thinking about what I do not want, while the other half of the equation is overlooked. I have always thought about what I want to avoid, and never what I want to pursue. I have to make a decision now, that I am unsure about.

That got me to thinking. How do I decide what I want? Well... I decided to not think, just feel. Never my first choice, but I felt like that would be a good idea. (See the paradox here?) So I know what I feel that I want.(*) Now I have to decide what is best. What is right. How in the world am I supposed to do that?

Firstly, I turn to my worldview. As a Christian, some things are clear. But when you get down to things that don't cross lines, but have the potential to... that's where it gets dicey. Because just because something can go wrong doesn't mean it will, right? I've decided what I want, so what's the big deal? Love it if it's a good decision, learn if it's not. Oh, but what if it's not... It's difficult for me to get past my fear of the unknown. I guess I should say my fear of the possible... because I'm not afraid of what could happen, it's just what could happen WRONG.

I mean, I know I want to do what is right, but how do I do that? If I weigh things against my worldview, things come out good. But when I weigh stuff against others (worldviews, that is)... it gets muddled. My parents look at the world and my decisions differently than I do, for one. I am quick to say "it's my life, let me make the decision," but I mean, they are my parents. They love me and want the best for me. But it IS my life. If I never do make a decision... how do I live?

But on the third hand, they ARE MY PARENTS. I guess if you're reading this, you have figured out that this is something that I want, but my parents don't really agree. Not in a "we hate you" kind of way, but a "what if this is a bad idea, plus we don't really know enough about it" way.(**)

Now I would like to take a break to say that I absolutely love my parents, they are quite literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. But, we still don't agree all the time.

Okay, where was I? Ah yes, making my decision. Yeah... I'm not very good at this "decision-making" thing. Maybe you've noticed this already. Oh yeah, I never told you guys why I'm writing this! Because, bottom line, this is my only way to think. Plus I thought this might help you think. Or at least, give you a small glimpse of what goes on in my daily thinking routine. Let me be your entertainment for a while ;)

I've honestly lost my train of thought. (*reads the beginning again) Oh yeah. Any of you have trouble figuring out what you want? Now remember, I'm not talking about what flavor of ice cream or color of nail polish, but LIFE. And yes girls (and bruce), life is bigger than nail polish. (Ice cream is infinitely important though.) Life is a decision. You have to choose. And I am no good at choosing. So I'm not so great at this thing called life.

Eh, I don't think this post is going much of anywhere anymore. Bottom line, I've got a decision, and I'm not sure what I want. Okay, I know what I want but I don't know if it's right. Maybe I'll try writing on it again, and actually be specific! Or maybe I won't. We'll see. If you would, be praying I make the RIGHT decision.

Thanks for your time, and I hope this post made you think, laugh, or at the very least smile. See? I'm human like the rest of you ;)

matt